The Energy That Goes Around

The energy that goes into the world, you put into a person, in a relationship or a business, how does that energy flow? Do you get the energy back? And how much energy are you supposed to get back? I have been struggling with this, too, because especially when you are trying to create something with other people, how much energy are you supposed to put into the project and should you expect anything back?

For me, I am a person that commits 213,5 per cent. If I decide to do something, I can’t do it half. Or slack. The occasional moment I do run out of energy and sit back, I feel guilty or restless. I want things to work out, be the best at everything and like the Dalai Lama said (I have read it today in the Flow calender): if you want change, you have to do something. That’s what I do, I do. You can also call it eager.

The problem with this, however, is that I expect others to not slack and try their best at everything either. This is a problem, because that same level of enthusiasm and dedication is almost never equal. Sometimes others are more eager (at these moments I feel guilty, wanting to dedicate myself even more), most times others try less. This is when things go awry.

Particularly things go bad in my head. I feel irritated and think: maybe I should care less too. Or expect less from others, but when the rewards come, I don’t want things to get split up unevenly. I want rewards after my effort. Well, that never happens, because things get hyped, some work gets more credit than others. Most of all I get disappointed, mostly of myself, but of others too. All I can seem to think: once I stop giving a fuck, good luck with getting that back. That’s what I am in right now, the ‘fuck’ is slipping away. I would rather invest in something that meets my expectations. Or is that too much to ask?

What The Psychiatrist Said

It is no secret that I have been under mental care for over a year now. It is no secret that I think it is nothing less than a miracle that I fell into the capable set of hands. It is no secret that yesterday I had my (for now) last session. When I come back from my three month journey through Asia Pacific I will meet again to start reducing my medication, but for now I feel stable, most of the time happy and capable myself.

There are two things my psychiatrist said yesterday that I want to share with you, because it sums up the two most important things of life:

1. There will always be assholes.

No shit, Sherlock, you will say, but it is good to remember this. It is not always you who are at fault, there will be quarrels and people will be assholes. That is life. The thing is though: how are you dealing with it? It is not always necessary to take it head on, although you should never let anyone walk over you. You Should Never Let Anyone Walk Over You. Having said that, you can always to decide to step away. Let us compare it to flying cars (see video below). What if you are in the middle of the road and there are cars flying everywhere. They are not predictable and they can come at you at any given moment. What can you? You can try to punch the car away. Well, if it were a fluffy teddy bear, sure that could have worked, but since it is a car, that decision might cost you your life. What to do? You Step Away. You get my point, even though the video is (in my humble opinion) hilarious, the lesson is dead serious: we don’t have to take the assholes head on, we can simply decide to step away.

2. Trust yourself

I explained to my psychiatrist that I have to take moments to step back and let the situation and my responds in. I have to decide what to do, the steps to take and take some distance. He said: what you need most is to trust yourself. You know what is right for you, you know you know what is right for you, so trust yourself. I think it is true: I know what is right for me, but it is still difficult to choose me. It feels as though I am not choosing the other when I choose me. But how can I be happy and satisfied with what I do and decide, if I think constantly about the other. Even if the other is my friend. I can’t. And on top of that, I want not only to trust myself and my capability to be successful in life like I choose to be successful, but I want to trust the universe as well. With universe I mean: that everything will work out in the end. As long as you work hard, love your work and yourself, and make thoughtful decisions, things will work out.

That does not mean, unfortunately, that I have accepted the assholes and that I now completely trust myself and the universe. It is a rocky road and a journey that is hard sometimes. Other times, like this morning, I feel happy. This morning I stepped outside my door and someone tried to park a car in front of my door. He wasn’t doing a particularly good job, so that I had to move my bike backwards a bit. I could have gotten angry, I would have in the past, but today I smiled. Without thinking about it. That filled my heart with warmth. I smiled at this situation as a automatic instinct. What a wonderful feeling.


To Live Free

To Live Free

What I solemnly swear: it’s central in my house, next to the staircase. I made a wall of blackboard paint. To put up quotes that inspire. Last one was by Nietsche: and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

I have heard the music. Now I want to dance.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up

Zee, my blogger friend from New Zealand, wrote this blogpost about not beating yourself up about feeling a particular way. It is a meaningful peace about how you have feelings that should be addressed instead of telling yourself ‘you should be over with it by now’. I want to add that we beat ourselves up way to often. Or at least I do. I feel guilty a lot. About not being the bigger person, about not being able to address important things to my mom without crying, about writing a post without have a clear outline on what I want to write and where the hell this is all going. Or stuff like:

  • Don’t beat yourself up because you can’t stick to your 365-project
  • Don’t beat yourself up because you cried
  • Don’t beat yourself up because you have to remind yourself you are still growing, on a path towards healing
  • Don’t beat yourself up because you can’t be there where you want to be (some friends of mine are at Lowlands, oh how wonderful it would have been to be there)
  • Don’t beat yourself up because you are clumsy and grab hot trays with your bare hands
  • Don’t beat yourself up because you are tired
  • Don’t beat yourself up because you bear instead of beat all the time

It makes me think about the post I wrote the other day. Bears. Don’t beat yourself up that you need a bear hug! No, serieusly, I think it is important to be less hard on ourselves. Sometimes we just have to let go. Or we should let go. Period. We are doing the best we bloody can. I am doing the best I can. And with that I am doing a freaking good job. No, I am not perfect. Hell, I did even grab that 180 degrees Celsius hot tray from the oven with my bare hand (it was a mistake). Stupid. But I am doing the best I can.

And now I need some sleep.

Keep On Dreaming

keep believing in your dreams

Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that you shouldn’t be discouraged when views and clicks aren’t as good as you hoped it would be. It’s the passion for the creative stuff that is behind it that should you. Or errr me. It should drive me. And that’s what I have to remind myself of. Success is relative. Sure, we want to make money, it would be great to live of our new project, but we shouldn’t stop believing. I should embrace the way and not dream only about the end goal. Based on the success we already have in my head, reality is kind of a disappointment, but if we look at reality, the dream should be growing.

Gifts Made Out Of Energy

This weekend I really wanted to do my 365 days project, but the funny thing happened. I was at this festival and my phone went dead during the days, but I didn’t want to go online. I was there, and that was okay. Even more happened. A guy who wanted to change his gas tank while still cooking got shipped off to the hospital. So much for the bad news. For the rest I danced, we danced, we laughed, we drank beer, we danced, and we drank some more. We slept little, we enjoyed the sun and the water. We moved through the crowds, we stood in lines and we celebrated the happiness that appeared in the strangest of places.


Richart Llover, an artist who does energy art, painted t-shirts on stage in the theater area and I can tell you, experiences like that make my heart tick. Firstly, he listened to my energy and based on that he painted my t-shirt with the colors to match the energy inside of me. While he talked to get me focused and to get the energy in the right place, I got this feeling of peace and tranquility. It’s something that happens to me every now and then. You might call it vague. Or hippie-esque. For me it’s pure happiness. I get these moments particular when the energy is talking and not the mind. That’s pure gold.