The energy that goes into the world, you put into a person, in a relationship or a business, how does that energy flow? Do you get the energy back? And how much energy are you supposed to get back? I have been struggling with this, too, because especially when you are trying to create something with other people, how much energy are you supposed to put into the project and should you expect anything back?
For me, I am a person that commits 213,5 per cent. If I decide to do something, I can’t do it half. Or slack. The occasional moment I do run out of energy and sit back, I feel guilty or restless. I want things to work out, be the best at everything and like the Dalai Lama said (I have read it today in the Flow calender): if you want change, you have to do something. That’s what I do, I do. You can also call it eager.
The problem with this, however, is that I expect others to not slack and try their best at everything either. This is a problem, because that same level of enthusiasm and dedication is almost never equal. Sometimes others are more eager (at these moments I feel guilty, wanting to dedicate myself even more), most times others try less. This is when things go awry.
Particularly things go bad in my head. I feel irritated and think: maybe I should care less too. Or expect less from others, but when the rewards come, I don’t want things to get split up unevenly. I want rewards after my effort. Well, that never happens, because things get hyped, some work gets more credit than others. Most of all I get disappointed, mostly of myself, but of others too. All I can seem to think: once I stop giving a fuck, good luck with getting that back. That’s what I am in right now, the ‘fuck’ is slipping away. I would rather invest in something that meets my expectations. Or is that too much to ask?