Remember that post I had written about giving yourself the compliment and just try stuff, even though you are not an expert? Well, I try that every other day since we have started the Dutch website DIY creatives. I find myself in creative corners I have never been before and sometimes it works gigantically well. Other times not so much. Like this morning.
I had seen this cute tutorial on how to make a squirrel from one glove. Very cute. I thought doable. But when I looked at my glove, which was nitted, I started to second guess the tutorial, because the moment I would set my scissors into the glove it would fall apart. The design was not right. So I decided to make the same squirrel from a different fabric. To make a long story short: it didn’t go great. It didn’t go at all well. It went bad and I threw it away. All that work for nothing, I thought, I could have used this time much more effectively.
But then I thought about that quote in that earlier post and the last two and a half sentences:
And if you are not good, who cares? You tried something. Now you know something about yourself.
What did I learn from this failure of a squirrel? That my old patterns (my previous survival strategies if you’d like) are still there, lurking in the back. I have voices in my head telling me ‘See, you should have known you wouldn’t be good at it. Why do you think you can do that?’
What to do? I mean, we can’t give this voice a chance, right? If I would do that, I wouldn’t try anything anymore. Or at least not stuff that might seem out of my league now. If I do keep trying, I might stumble across something that I will be brilliant at!
So I am taking on a new mantra:
I am learning and learning is never a waste of time.
I guess it’s a saying; the power of the shower. It means that you have the best ideas when relaxing in the shower. It happened to me this morning again and I started wondering, especially since I had read the headlines of this article (Dutch – de Volkskrant), but not read the whole thing through.
I had my own analysis of course. I thought it had to do with relaxation on the one hand, because when you relax, you allow your brain to let itself fall into place. On the other hand, I thought that the warmth is a good stimulation, because warmth makes you feel more relaxed and more loved. Well, that last one is a bit of a far fetched idea, but people that hug more often are more relaxed and are happier. People who are single, are somewhat disadvantaged, but can solve this by showering warmer from time to time or visit a masseur. So, well, yes. So far from scientific research.
The researcher in the article said (and I quote): to be creative our brain has to rewire and make new connections between the different parts of memory. That happens spontaneously and especially when we come to rest (I knew it!). So that’s where showering comes in. It might be the only place in the house and the only time of the day when we are not bombarded with information. But the researcher also says that we have to do some labor beforehand. So work hard the day before. Get a good nights rest (I knew it!). And get that relaxing shower in the morning. Surely, a run can work too, but I prefer showering.
So this morning I came up with the idea for the preface I am writing for a book I edited (oh yes!), which is due soon, so I am thankful. The book is written by a smart writer, I need to write a clever preface. Finally it struck me this morning. Yes, while being in the shower.
You know what is the most difficult for us all? It’s not death, break-up and heartbreak. It’s change. It’s dealing with situations we are not accustomed to. It’s dealing with people disappearing from our lives. It’s dealing with arguments you never had before. And change can be used to be more creative, but when it’s too much, we become frozen. I have become frozen.
Or, I am unfreezing as we speak. I need an fierce argument, a fight, a devastating heartbreak for me to change. To look at things from a clear and untroubled perspective. A perspective where the love for me grows and the relations are set on a new standard. In this progress I forget all that is really important. Like the loving actions from my friends. Like birthdays, even though they tell me it’s okay. It’s not okay, in fact. It’s heartbreaking for me, to realize that the people that obviously have the best interest are forgotten by me.
Not that the other person I had the argument with is against me, is fighting me, but I have changed. Our relationship changes with me. And that’s difficult for me. It’s consuming. It’s only since yesterday (after almost a week) that I can truly say, I see the love again. The love that is in my life. The voice of love that lives inside me. The steps I have to take to become more loving. I can hate when I am consumed. I am in a dark place. But that’s not the real thing.
Change is a bitch. It bites you in the ass if you don’t watch yourself. Actually, art, creativity, doing stuff with your hands bring you back to the here and now. It’s not a miracle work, it doesn’t happen in the first minutes once you have started painting, writing (as I am doing now) and dancing. It might takes a few days, but once it comes, I am crying and laughing at the same time. It’s coming, I can feel it. Change is a bitch, only if you let it happen. Change can be a blessing too.
In the end, everything is going to be alright.
This weekend I really wanted to do my 365 days project, but the funny thing happened. I was at this festival and my phone went dead during the days, but I didn’t want to go online. I was there, and that was okay. Even more happened. A guy who wanted to change his gas tank while still cooking got shipped off to the hospital. So much for the bad news. For the rest I danced, we danced, we laughed, we drank beer, we danced, and we drank some more. We slept little, we enjoyed the sun and the water. We moved through the crowds, we stood in lines and we celebrated the happiness that appeared in the strangest of places.
Richart Llover, an artist who does energy art, painted t-shirts on stage in the theater area and I can tell you, experiences like that make my heart tick. Firstly, he listened to my energy and based on that he painted my t-shirt with the colors to match the energy inside of me. While he talked to get me focused and to get the energy in the right place, I got this feeling of peace and tranquility. It’s something that happens to me every now and then. You might call it vague. Or hippie-esque. For me it’s pure happiness. I get these moments particular when the energy is talking and not the mind. That’s pure gold.
This morning I got up and flipped my daily inspiration calender from Flow Magazine to find this amazing quote. I think it is very important to lose the fear of being wrong, because it can paralyze us. It can make us into a deer looking into the headlights of an approaching car. Stiffened in the middle of the road with the idea of no escape eating away the brain. I guess you get the gist. It happens to me sometimes, when things seem too big to handle. Too scary, because the future is so uncontrollable. And there are always people voting against your new and greatest plan.
I read this post from the Elephant talking about how we should invest in the heart space. Alright, it didn’t exactly say that, but I would like to take that with me. To open the heart is to love and love is what I need in days of insecurity and periods. When we love ourselves and others, we are more open for other ideas, opinions and inspiration, without losing track of our own values, ideas and greatness. From that post, I made:
Self love is probably the most elusive little bastard that exists (said in those words by the wonderful Ruby Etc). The last couple of days I feel ugly, alone and unloved. Or at least these moments occurred more often than on normal days. It limits me in all, because I think nobody will ever like what I do because I am too ugly. We will never succeed in setting up our diy platform because am I not worth the success.
Those are moments I have to work extra hard to remember the moment I floated in the water just off Cayo Jutias in Cuba. The sea was carrying me and the sun was warming my skin. I felt happy and I realized you don’t have to be anything (smart, beautiful, loved) to enjoy these moments, to enjoy life! We might not succeed but we had a whole lot of fun doing our diy-projects. And if we have anything, it is our creativity and our courage to set foot on this vessel of entrepreneurship. If we trust in ourselves, we will be more creative and we will enjoy the process more. Or even to the fullest.
Today I preach self love.
I know, it’s still early to write about commitment. Very crying out loud, it’s day two! But! I do feel guilty sometimes when I want to work on something l like because I grew up being a pleaser. And along with that comes along the feeling that I have to commit to other people’s dream, ambitions and plans, but that makes me useful. While I just sometimes want to lay on the couch, with my little blanket, with a bucket of candy, with some sorry ass for a movie. Just Because I Can. And even when I am writing for my blog, which I love by the way, but it is all for me. me me me And well, that’s not allowed! So sometimes there is a fight going on. The guilty-feeling-me and the passion-me. Passion-me is on a winner streak.
If someone in the Universe is sending me a message on how I should not post this nice little thing I made (yes you might call it a baby, but it’s not actually a baby), well, screw you. Here the start of my new project, of which I hope it will last 365 days. I should commit, maybe that’s something to work on. Commitment. For now we’ll work on saying ‘fuck it’!